Safe, Sound, & Sad in America

I am safely home and should long have been in bed. I don't sleep well on planes, so was basically up for about 26 hours with maybe an hour or just over of dozing total. I fell asleep on the couch a bit earlier, and am anxious to get into my soft bed.

It was wonderful to talk to my parents and nephew on the phone again and to have Alex meet me at the airport. But I just do not feel right. And I'm not talking about jetlag or upset stomach. I think I have truly developed what Chip Ingram describes in his book Holy Ambition as a "dislocated heart." I feel like I just don't know where I belong.

I still think of what the time is in China and what the children are doing. Right now, they are getting up from their naps as I prepare to go to bed. If I could just hold them one more time...and another.

I said goodbye to Jennie first with a little doll/blanket I'd bought for her. She wasn't too interested, but the others were. I managed to get a "good morning" smile from the crazy-haired beauty.


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Then lastly, it was off to the Bouncing Bunnies room for the most dreaded farewell. I was pleased to see the boys playing with the animal pillows I'd given them earlier in the week. I now gave Justin the karate bear Alex & I had made for him.


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The Three Amigos

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Sweet little Jayne

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Anna

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I couldn't really communicate that I was leaving for good, but I think the ayis had seen me with my suitcases and said I was going bubbye. I gave Justin a kiss and hug and tried to get a kiss from him as I told him wo ai ni one last time. I heard his ayi repeat and tell him something else. His response was a hand over his lips, a big smack, and a big ol' kiss blown to me. Ever the showman...

So I left in the dark of the morning with visions of several footie-pajama clad toddlers burned into my brain and heart. Try as I might, I could not hold back all of the tears on the ride to the airport or on the plane.

I'm back in the USA with all of my bags and souvenirs, but without a piece of my heart.

It is firmly entwined in a number of young lives outside a tiny village just northeast of Beijing, China...

...firmly embedded in a place called Hope.